So there’s a new vampire movie out, and I really need a few hours to sit and take in someone else’s vision of impossibility with the hope of seeing something cool. These factors combined to put me in a theater seat watching Ultraviolet, despite having nothing more than the posters and the previews to go on.
I’ll give you the short version: it’s bad. Really bad. So bad I’m surprised I sat through the whole thing (which probably had a lot to do with the fact that if I didn’t, I would have to start thinking again – something that I was trying to avoid in the few hours between work and more work that I had).
For starters, imagine a science fiction world where a disease has separated the world into “hemophages” (pseudo-vampires who have fangs but are never pictured sucking blood) and normal humans. These vampires have become terrorists because the rest of the world is afraid of getting infected and treats them with prejudice and discrimination. Then realize that all the special effects are CGI-based – really, really, really bad CGI. The actress is a dead ringer for the vampiress in Razor Blade Smile (and in fact her character is very similar as well), and might even be the same person – it’s hard to tell, because Razor Blade Smile is fairly old and one of the CGI effects is applied to blur and whiten the main character’s face in closeups. I can only presume that they are too cheap to buy makeup.
That said, and similar again to Razor Blade Smile, the movie has a few moments of coolness; a duel with flaming swords in pitch dark, a high-speed motorcycle chase aided by an antigravity generator, electrostatic costume changes… but they aren’t worth it, I promise. Unless you’re really bored.
UPDATE: It turns out the actress is Milla Jovovich, who certainly shouldn’t need any CGI help to look pretty. Her acting is better in the Resident Evil movies, if you’re wondering.
