Hey, baby! You wouldn’t believe what just happened to me! I was Having a little bit of lovin’ n’ canoodlin’ with the mayor’s favorite daughter up in the hayloft over the stables behind the inn, y’know the place, when there was all sorts of ruckus and such! Well never fear I made some ruckus myself, made the girl scream and say my name .. because they always do! But then I stuck my head out of the window and the whole place was filled with elves! Not your normal elves though, these are dark elves, black skin and white hair. It’s a bold color choice, all winter and chilly! I’m much more of a warm, red blooded type, y’know?

And they sure were no-nonsense types. I guess they heard Sally screaming my name, ‘cause they were calling it too, only it was more like “Alamar, come out with your hands up!”. Only they were lying, see. As soon as I came out to explain to the mayor it was all a mistake and his daughter is just a bit of a screamer when there’s a surprise tail involved, they shot me with some sort of drugged dart. Out like a light!

I woke up in a cave, really just a crude prison, being manhandled by a pair of rude assholes. There were a bunch of Drow Guards outside and a random collection of dweebs inside. But hey the day was looking up, two of them were hot! Not hot like me hot, but I wouldn’t kick em out of bed for eatin’ crackers if ya get my drift. I was just trying to introduce myself to the ladies when the guards kicked me inside the door and slammed it shut behind me. Right in the middle of my introduction! Rude!

Anyways it was supposed to go like this: (imagine me speaking in the accent of Antonio Banderas, because he’s almost as sexy as I am)

“My name is Alamar, and I have come to slay my enemies and taste the lamentations of their women! I shall lick their tears of grief with my long, red tongue, and carry them into their boudoirs for some uhm uhm UHM!”

Their names are Thea and Alia, by the way, a rhyming pair. Sweet! I’ve never had a rhyming pair at the same time before! I’m writing down their names so I will remember them later and remember that they rhyme. Wouldn’t want to forget something like that right away like I usually would! Alia is the half-elf and Thea … She’s probably an elf I guess but really pale. Bright red lips though.

The ladies were chilly at first. I can’t blame them. They took most of our clothes and there were lots of weird freaks in here.

I am did my best to keep them warm and talked up the rest just to avoid boredom. There was some kind of dwarven golem protecting Thea, a friendly dwarf, a couple unfriendly dwarves, a gnome obsessed with gambling, a large creature who claimed to be an elven prince in disguise (not likely), and a telepathic mushroom.

I warned you they were all freaks.

So the drow kept working us during the day and telling us they would sacrifice us to their spider goddess Lloth soon. We figured – since the ladies were absolutely NOT going to put out in a jail cell with an audience, especially not at the same time, not even as a final fling before being sacrificed – that escape was really in our best interests, and the sooner the better.

We tried to get watch schedules and stuff but I’m not really good with numbers or decisions or plans. I’m a people person! A people pleaser even!

Finally we decided to break out at the end of a shift, right after they opened the door to the cell. That part went like a charm! The drow had this priestess who was also kind hot in a very chilly ice queen bitch kind of way. She wouldn’t give me the time of day no matter how many times I catcalled her from my cell, so when we broke out I threw my chamberpot in her face and tried to cut down the bridge she was standing on. She ran away rather than face such a humiliating rejection!

Someone hit me from behind right about then and I lost track of things. When I came to we were all grabbing weapons and armor and jumping off the bridges! That sounds like fun! When I was a young tiefling my mom always asked if all my friends jumped off a bridge, would I jump too? And now I can answer her! Yes! Yes I would! And I did! Of course I can’t tell her that. She’s probably still in prison after I told the guards she killed someone and planted the murder weapon in her kitchen. Oh well. I’m sure they’ll let her out eventually.

So I jumped too.

We all landed in these great big webs, but the spider had so many things to eat it couldn’t figure out who to chase. So we all got away. Well, everyone I cared about got away. Which is me. And, well, Alia and Thea too. I’ll pretend to care about them for awhile. Until I can get them together at the same time speaking in rhyme. Maybe the spider got some of the others though. This one old guy, Craig, said he was a wizard. Maybe he actually is because they didn’t get him and I thought for sure they would since he’s so old. And the metal dwarf made it. I guess he’s not really edible.

We found a place to hide for a night. Thea and Alia said absolutely not. Separately AND together. Huh. That’s never happened before. Is this what rejection feels like? No wonder lesser men hate it.

I had a strange dream, sleeping alone. I used to have them when I was a kid, before I stopped sleeping alone. It was daddy’s voice, calling out to me as if over a great distance. “Feed me their souls, son” he said. That sounds like a great idea. Saute of soul coming up just as soon as I can skewer someone. Daddy’s hungry, and so am I.


I was on a second story job, getting information from the local city crime boss’s study, information that he very much would not want me or the Guild Boss to have, when all hell broke loose. Some small army was raiding this city on the outskirts. I climbed to the roof, thinking to roof run, but I was shot with a dart of something that paralyzed me and knocked me out. I woke up manacled and chained, underground, surrounded by drow and monstrous creatures. I was separated from the other prisoners, and after a journey, thrown in a cave cell. In the cell was an elf named Thea that looked … off. She had a metal construct as a companion that was called K9. There was a female dwarf, an orc, some gnomes, other creatures, and a drow. One of the creatures said it was really an elven prince who had been cursed. Over the days, we added a dwarf named Hanz, an old mage named Creg, and a tiefling named Alamar, who was entirely too full of his alleged physical prowess.

After days of being taken out to do useless labor like coiling ropes, moving them, re-coiling them, hauling water, or hacking at a wall for no reason, we whispered about escaping. One time, I tried to grab a dagger from a guard while the construct distracted the guards, but the other guards saw me. I wanted to throw the dagger. I wanted to fight. But the guards had crossbows on us, and they would shoot my fellow prisoners, so I reluctantly dropped the dagger. I was not brought out again after that. Idiot dirt headed drow are smarter than they look.

We came up with a plan where the group that went out next would create a disturbance just as the cell gate was opened, and we would all rush out and try to overpower the guards. Then we could grab weapons and fight our way to where we thought the drow were storing our belongings. It sort of worked. The creature who said it was an elven prince was thrown over into the giant spider web, and promptly dealt with by those horrible things. The orc fought with the guards. The mage shoved a guard over the edge. We got quite a few guards by shoving them over the edge into the web. A few of us made our way into the guard room across the rope bridge, while the rest dealt with the guards outside. A good bunch of the other prisoners dove onto the webs and dropped into the water below, making their way into the dark cavern below. Bowls of piss and shit were thrown into the guard’s faces. In the guard room, I grabbed a short sword and traded blows with a guard. But the guards kept coming, from both sides, and we had the priestesses to deal with too.

It was very crowded in the small guard room. Thea joined me attacking the guard. Alamar took on the guard captain. Hanz worked his way in. Alamar fell to the guard captain, but Hanz healed him. Demons appeared, fighting each other, and the drow were shooting at some of the demons. We realized that the fellow prisoners had all made straight for the river below the webs, and apparently had escaped. It wasn’t looking promising for us, fighting guards while we were unclothed and not well equipped. We too fled for the webs and the river below. Luckily the spiders were busy with all the guards we’d shoved off, and we escaped the webs. A demon dropped in front of us, but Alamar seemed to threaten it, and it flew away. We found a few of the fellow prisoners, and made our way into a passageway. One of the creatures said there was a village nearby. Maybe we can find supplies, or rather, work we can do to obtain supplies. Like clothes. Clothes would be good. If Alamar is warm, he might have a chance at displaying that prowess he seems to think he possesses. I’m freezing.